Mental Health
22:06
When I was in Year 9 of Secondary School, I fainted on the popular girl of my year. Yes, just went and collapsed on her, and woke up on her lap. Brilliant. It was around this time (2012 I believe), that I had just started going to Slimming World with my mum, because we would always exercise and go to clubs together. It was our thing, but this one was different. This “club” had me addicted. Every week we would weigh ourselves, taking note of every pound gained or lost, we would sit around in a circle and discuss the amount of calories in a Cadburys chocolate Easter egg or in a packet of Pot Noodles. This is what started my addiction, and I was obsessed with calories for years after this, and I won’t lie and say I don’t take note of how many are in some things now. The weekly weigh in made me want to lose weight so badly, it was like I would only be satisfied if it was a decrease, and totally disappointed and disgusted with myself if I had an increase, no matter if that was simply a pound. I wanted and felt I needed to lose. Everyone there was a lot older than me, and I had a few people come up to me when I had weighed in and lost, comment on how I shouldn’t be here, and I was “so slim”. I dismissed them, disagreeing with every compliment ever. This is when I started focusing so much on body image, it was the time of my life when I started caring, I was getting older, growing, a whole bunch of hormones and sensitivity - (I still am a sensitive soul). I saw people on social media looking so slim and beautiful, I noticed how I was tall and didn’t have a perfect figure. I wanted to change.
The day I fainted, I was taken to the doctors where they scheduled me a blood test at my local hospital for the next morning. It was the first blood test of many. The results came back in the next week and I was told I had anaemia (a deficiency of red blood cells and haemoglobin in my blood) - meaning I was very much prone to fainting, feeling dizzy and being tired very easily. After this initial blood test, I was told I needed them regularly, and I was having them so frequently, I became so prepared to faint during every test, terrified and having difficulty sleeping the night before the next dreaded test.
I still cannot have one without fainting, and the last time I had one (last month) I was alone which was the worst experience of my life. I not only fainted for the longest amount of time I had before, but I was alone with the doctor and had some kind of weird seizure which made me feel both ridiculously hot and freezing cold. I hate blood tests.
Months went on, I was given copious amounts of medication to which I would throw up every time and therefore couldn’t continue it. I had liquid iron in my juice which tasted metallic and horrible. I was taken to speak to a women who talks to people about Eating Disorders, and it was a horrible time in my life; we would not only talk about eating but about family life, and I didn’t understand why it was necessary. I would have to get weighed frequently and my BMI checked to ensure it didn't get any lower.
But help is so important. Talking to someone, even a stranger is the best way to get everything out of your head instead of bottling it up. It’s so important to look after yourself -both mentally and physically. During my weekly sessions of talking to the ED lady, I was warned that if my BMI decreased anymore, I would be taken to a more intense form of mental health / eating disorder counselling which may see me staying in a hospital. I knew I had to change fast. I was constantly hating myself and battling my mind every time I would look in the mirror, or walk past a shop window where I would see my reflection and hate myself. My BMI didn’t go down but instead stayed the exact same, however the place in which I went to, was closing down and I was given more mental-health based therapy to speak to, when I had a panic attack in school - Mind. I had heard about Mind through Zoe Sugg (Zoella) - as the Digital Brand Ambassador and someone who deals with anxiety herself. I was seen to straight away (very luckily, due to the long waiting list I know Mind has), and given about 3 months of therapy, discussing everything from anxiety and methods to de-stress or aid a panic attack, to my eating issues and family life. I definitely preferred Mind to my initial type of therapy because I was speaking to a lovely lady who wanted to help me and made me feel at ease, whereas with the first lady, everything felt uncomfortable and new to me. As this was years ago, and anxiety still consumes me and my life, I have considered going back to talk, but I think I just need a gentle push; I feel like discussing this and typing this post out has really assisted me as I don’t like talking about my problems too much, and I feel like this is an empty space despite the fact I’m going to be posting it for people to read. I just hope this helps some of you in some way, to at least know you are certainly not alone.
I have dealt with this for years and so many of my friends didn’t know and still to this day, don’t know about my eating problems or even my anxiety but I think that’s okay, as it proves it doesn’t need to define you and you can have a life where it doesn’t affect you. I do however, believe it’s so important to work on it and talk about it and ensure you aren’t just settling with a life of mental health problems, but instead, are having a go at working things out and working on yourself. Health is both important physically and mentally, and therapy aids so many people.
To this day, I still have anaemia and I can’t lie and say I am fully happy with my body and food. I don’t have breakfast nearly as much as I should be doing. But I am a lot better than I used to be, and talking through any form of mental health is so freeing, and I really do hope my discussion of my experience has helped some of you somehow, whether that’s showing you, you aren’t alone, or whether that’s encouraging you to talk to someone or even starting therapy.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, I will always be here to listen, you can always DM on Twitter or Instagram - I will leave the links below.
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